The Good, the Bad, the Pregnant... 23 weeks in.

  Oh how naive I was.  I had this vision of the glory of pregnancy.  There is nothing glamorous about this experience!

  What I thought:  Pregnant women glow! Pregnancy must be this amazing beauty enhancer!
  What I got:  Acne like I am going through puberty again!  I don't see the glow when I look in the mirror..

   What I thought:  Pregnancy makes hair look fabulous!  Thick lucious locks of hair will be mine!
   What I got:  MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT BY THE HAND FULLS!  Yes, I take my vitamins.  My Ob said not to worry because she doesn't see bald spots yet...  But I could be bald before this baby gets here.

  What I thought:  Pregnancy is just something a body does, and I'll hardly notice a thing.
  What I got:  Heartburn, fatigue, random stabbing pains here and there, back pain if I stand too long or sit too long, gas,  and various other random and inconvenient reminders that I am indeed growing a person.

   What I thought: Pregnant women can eat anything!
   What I got:  I can hardly stand the smell of pizza, much less eat it.  Avocado, forget it! Both things I enjoyed before pregnancy.

    What I thought:  Nesting is that fantastic instinct that kicks in and I will be super organized and ready for baby in no time.
     What I got:  ADD in hyper-drive!  Which means, I have started SEVERAL reorganization and decor projects, but have yet to complete one. Instead, I take a nap.

   I know, I am hardly the poster child for jumping in and starting a family based on these myth busting realizations.  However, inspite of this, I have never been  more excited to see my belly grow.  There is something indescribable about looking at an ultrasound and seeing that sweet GIRL, who is playing ninja in my tummy.  Just feeling her move is incredible.  So I'll take it.. The hair falling out, the naps, the weird food aversions.. all of it.   I have never felt more love for someone that I have never met. (Deity excluded) Pregnancy has even  changed the way I see my husband.  This process is wonderful, and uncomfortable all at the same time!

The Aud Wife becomes the Aud mother...

  It seems so unreal, yet so natural.  I can't believe it happened so fast!  I expected that this would take years, and hoped it might happen by the end of summer.  But here I am wrapping up my first trimester of pregnancy.
 
    I saw my Endocrinologist back toward the end of February and she confirmed that I have PCOS.  She prescribed me Metformin, and told me my hormones would balance out in 3 months and that if this was the right course for my body, I would be pregnant in 3 to 6 months. Month 1 was rough! But I stuck it out, and towards then end of the month I felt amazing.  Month 2 came and went uneventful.  Then suddenly a week into month 3 (April) I got the surprise of my life.  A positive pregnancy test!  I was shocked, amazed, overwhelmed, grateful, and scared.  I never thought it would happen so fast!  (not that 2+ years of trying is fast, but some women wait longer)

   The Lord knows us better than we know ourselves.  This miracle is due January 10th.  Derrick will be on winter break, he won't have to miss one class to be with the baby and me.  I will graduate in December (just an AS, not a big deal).  The timing just couldn't be better.
   Pregnancy has brought its own set of challenges.. (HOLY HORMONES BATMAN!)  But, I have never been happier to have a challenge in my life.
:)

Thank you to all my dear friends who prayed with me.  Your prayers on our behalf helped make this miracle happen!  I am forever grateful for you.

Infertility

  I think any word that starts with "in-" has a negative connotation of some nature.  Well this one is the worst for me.  I HATE IT!  As if longing for a baby isn't bad enough, it's got to come with a label?  Really?
 
    I have always wanted to be a mother.  I have known forever that God put me on this Earth for that very task.  When I married my prince, I knew it wouldn't be long.  As he and I became we, we began planning and praying.  There were a few other things the Lord asked of us first.  I was eager to comply, knowing that each task was one task closer to my earthly purpose. When the time came, and the answer was finally "yes," I never thought it might take 2+ years or that I would be broken when it came down to it.
    For a while, I would just cry month after month.  I just felt like I wasn't worthy enough.  I felt like our Heavenly Father didn't trust me with one His children.  I even tried to bargain for my heart's desire a time or two.  Everyone was eager with some new idea on how we could do this or that and it would work.  I endured question after question.. "When are you having children?"  "Why don't you have children."  I wanted to give up, but that still small voice would encourage me on.
    There are few things in this world that will grow us better or faster than having to wait for our promised blessings.  In the end, we are here to grow, I expect to wait, A LOT! .  I have been blessed throughout this trial with sweet tender mercies from the Lord.  When, I am certain they were undeserved.  They often came in moments when I was exhibiting the least amount of faith.  I have learned the best cure for selfishness and self pity is service. Through service, I have felt the love of Christ and our Heavenly Father for others, and in turn felt joy that isn't derived in any other way.  Some where along the line, I also developed courage.  Courage to look for answers.  With that, I learned last year that I am allergic to milk.  I have lost 75lbs since then.  What a huge blessing.  Then a couple months ago, I was given a diagnosis of PCOS. (Polycysitic Ovarian Syndrome)  I have a wonderful team of doctors, and they are working so hard to help me realize this promise.  I know they are a blessing as well.
      Above all, I know that we each are very different.  Our paths through this life are sacred. They differ from one another. We will each be tested and tried differently.  I am not broken.  I am just being molded, and shaped into the woman my Father designed me to be.  Sometimes, that is very literal.

Excuses!

   Let's face it, mom blogs are more fun.  I know, I read them.  Me prattling on about my work, sleep, study cycle can't compete with the cute things all those babies and children do!  I think  posting about our meals, and pictures of the messes we make don't quite have the same amount of charm. I am completely ok with that!  I would much rather read about your lives and children then have to really explain this or that.  I'm sure we all think that. But, I think it's also important to share the hard stuff, talk about the mundane things, and maybe ramble here and there.  It gives us each a sense that we really aren't that different.  We aren't alone in this big world.  In the end you never know what may happen.

    So, no more excuses, or catching up.. I'm ready for the hard conversations.

30 is better than 20!

  I turned 30 back in October.  WOW..

 30 

 It still doesn't seem real.  But, 30 is better than 20. 

At 20 I was searching for an identity, looking for answers to the big questions of life, and trying to reconcile my actions with my faith.  I wanted it to work somehow, and I wanted to do it all by myself.  I expected very little of my future.  I felt hopeless, worthless, and stuck.  

At 30, I know what I want and I know how to get it!  I have the determination to overcome adversity.  I know how to ask for help, and I know there is nothing in this world I can accomplish with out Jesus Christ.   This has made all the difference.  Bring it one life!