Infertility

  I think any word that starts with "in-" has a negative connotation of some nature.  Well this one is the worst for me.  I HATE IT!  As if longing for a baby isn't bad enough, it's got to come with a label?  Really?
 
    I have always wanted to be a mother.  I have known forever that God put me on this Earth for that very task.  When I married my prince, I knew it wouldn't be long.  As he and I became we, we began planning and praying.  There were a few other things the Lord asked of us first.  I was eager to comply, knowing that each task was one task closer to my earthly purpose. When the time came, and the answer was finally "yes," I never thought it might take 2+ years or that I would be broken when it came down to it.
    For a while, I would just cry month after month.  I just felt like I wasn't worthy enough.  I felt like our Heavenly Father didn't trust me with one His children.  I even tried to bargain for my heart's desire a time or two.  Everyone was eager with some new idea on how we could do this or that and it would work.  I endured question after question.. "When are you having children?"  "Why don't you have children."  I wanted to give up, but that still small voice would encourage me on.
    There are few things in this world that will grow us better or faster than having to wait for our promised blessings.  In the end, we are here to grow, I expect to wait, A LOT! .  I have been blessed throughout this trial with sweet tender mercies from the Lord.  When, I am certain they were undeserved.  They often came in moments when I was exhibiting the least amount of faith.  I have learned the best cure for selfishness and self pity is service. Through service, I have felt the love of Christ and our Heavenly Father for others, and in turn felt joy that isn't derived in any other way.  Some where along the line, I also developed courage.  Courage to look for answers.  With that, I learned last year that I am allergic to milk.  I have lost 75lbs since then.  What a huge blessing.  Then a couple months ago, I was given a diagnosis of PCOS. (Polycysitic Ovarian Syndrome)  I have a wonderful team of doctors, and they are working so hard to help me realize this promise.  I know they are a blessing as well.
      Above all, I know that we each are very different.  Our paths through this life are sacred. They differ from one another. We will each be tested and tried differently.  I am not broken.  I am just being molded, and shaped into the woman my Father designed me to be.  Sometimes, that is very literal.

Excuses!

   Let's face it, mom blogs are more fun.  I know, I read them.  Me prattling on about my work, sleep, study cycle can't compete with the cute things all those babies and children do!  I think  posting about our meals, and pictures of the messes we make don't quite have the same amount of charm. I am completely ok with that!  I would much rather read about your lives and children then have to really explain this or that.  I'm sure we all think that. But, I think it's also important to share the hard stuff, talk about the mundane things, and maybe ramble here and there.  It gives us each a sense that we really aren't that different.  We aren't alone in this big world.  In the end you never know what may happen.

    So, no more excuses, or catching up.. I'm ready for the hard conversations.